real.eyes moment

It is a strange real.eyes.ation when you accept someone you think knows you well may not. Sometimes it is the most casual observations that show how little they really know you. It is a moment in time where you must reflect and accept what you may know, or not, about them. It is a flash of the reality beyond the veil, reminding us that we are in deed and depth unique collages of information.

I am thinking today of my adult child and working to accept his choice to live fully in the present moment and not really share his life with those who are not present. It is difficult to release the notion that if he hadn't been taken from me, against our will, repeatedly throughout his childhood that this would not be the dynamic. In my highest self, I give thanks for every word of text that arrives and cherish the occasional blessing of hearing his voice and seeing his face on a screen.

I do realize that he is part of a generation that views the world quite differently that any that precedes them. I also know that I have raised him to walk in the presence of Now and to not feel tethered by projected expectations or elements of your life that feel like obligation. I respect that he is working hard and enjoying his life. I take pride in the reality that he doesn't need me and is incredibly self-sufficient and motivated.

Sadly, for parents more than most perhaps, the reality of people moving on with their lives from whatever day-to-day connection may have once existed can be a profound human challenge. We all face it with job change, moving to a new town and break-ups of all sort. The older we grow, the more distant some folks feel from daily human contact and social or family interaction.

I find myself today, after laughing hysterically at a simple misconception expressed by my older son, feeling a tinge of remorse. My eyes are moist with a splash of loneliness for our relationship. I wish that he knew his brother and I better. I have wished that throughout his teenage years, as I have longed to know him better. My hope in expressing these thoughts to the Uverse is that in our adult relationship we will grow closer at some point. My wish is that even if we both spend our lives living in different places or traveling the globe, that we will find tools and motivations to connect often and to know the intricacies of our challenges and our joys.

Motherhood is a unique gift in our humanness, as is becoming a man. Each of you have your own unique paths of challenge and joy. We are each working against the odds of environmental impositions and a world fighting to be free. We are each navigating the dynamics of a myriad of human relationships. In the transitions of architecture in our energies, may we all find connectivity and balance.

....life goes on....

In a sudden awareness that time has passed in large quantities within this blogosphere, I am making only a few moments to check in now. 

Two years have passed since what I just read and I see another check-in a year ago. In November of 2014 I was on the front end of a manic episode that eventually encompassed two seasons. After a few months with inadequate sleep, beginning mid-October, I spent another couple of months becoming fully functional again.

In October of 2015 I was hospitalized based on another manic episode that had lasted about a week when a harsh reality broke the sleep spell and created full cognizance. By that time, it was too late. I remained hospitalized against my will and gave in to pharmaceutical experimentation in order to be released. That entire experience took almost 2 months of my life with recovery, and continues to haunt me to some extent.

In the coming year I may be more involved than I would like with a law suit against the physicians who kept me against my will, based on Medicaid for insurance and no show of external support. Although I would prefer to draw forward with no ties to that period of trauma, it is important to me to do whatever is within my power to stop the experimentation of the pharmaceutical industry on the human population. If my story can help that ongoing oppression be exposed, then I am willing to continue that conversation.

Today I am more healthy than I've been in years and have more hope for the future than I can remember holding in a decade or more. I am focused on graduate school and continuing to support the entertainment industry as called. I am applying my experience, energy and time to getting several performers, teachers and revolutionaries traveling the eastern seaboard and look to more global action by 2018. 

I am inspired by the strangest news of the past year, our recent election of Donald Trump as President of the United States of America. It is a time to stay involved in the political landscape and I am more inspired than ever to work for change. I hope I can learn more about writing policy reform bills in the coming year and will be applying for the opportunity to volunteer in DC in some capacity. I encourage you to go within and ask what you can do to make your own personal contribution to the political landscape. We need all hands on deck the next two years and a mass educational movement about mid-terms and state politics.

I am off to an interview for graduate school. I am seeking a Master of Arts in Writing, so perhaps you will see me becoming more present with the blogosphere. Please check out more words at www.xinaphiles.blogspot.com and remember to collect and share your own thoughts. We are all in this together. Roll in and Rock on.